May 15, 2011

Simply Music

So some of this is going to sound absolutely crazy to some people, but I suppose these are my personal thoughts so it makes perfect sense to me. Music is something that is extremely important to me. It is who I am. It is innate. I feel as though music is the way I speak and emote.  I have never been good with words, unless I memorize and speak them to an audience.  I am not great at verbally asking questions or answering them on cue.  The words just do not come to me as they so eloquently flow out of others’ mouths. If only I could play someone a clip of music to express what I am trying so desperately to say at moments in time. I also understand better through music.  I’m often explained a concept verbally, but when you put it into music terms it just makes so much more sense. That sounds absurd, but it’s the truth!

Music is real and so utterly vulnerable. That’s the best way I can think to describe it. It shows all the inner emotions we so fear to express at times. Music is often the only thing that makes sense. It can take my mind off of things and yet throw me into such vivid memories. Then there are times when I choose not to feel at all.  The numbness is articulated through melodies.  The lyrics don’t always matter. It’s just the sound of the piano, the strings, the horns, and the bass thumping in your heart. Instrumentals can speak volumes if you let them. If someone asked me to describe my life at the moment, I believe I’d be better off just sitting them down and playing a piece of music. Most people don’t understand this longing for depth in music.  For more than words. It’s not just a lyric or a rhyme.  It’s a feeling, a movement, a story, an emotion. Something not feasible. I hate the moment that a song comes to an end.

I drift into another world when I put my earbuds in, or play a song loudly in my car. When I am alone, I outstretch my arms through the car window and just sing loudly. Sometimes it serves as a form of praise, other times it’s just a moment to myself to speak what I cannot utter with words. Something inside of me changes. It enraptures me. Sometimes I simply just lay on the floor and let the music overtake my soul. That sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. It can speak volumes. It’s as if the music understands me. Breathes me. I firmly believe that music is one of the many ways God speaks to me and through me.  It is my instrument. I hear His voice loudest when I hear the sound of music.  I think this is because I can simply shut off my thoughts and just listen.  Listening is a beautiful concept. 

I often wonder what the world would be like without music. Other times I wonder how interesting life could be if I had a soundtrack constantly playing to my life. What bands would play? At what moments would the music chime in? If only for a day I could have this happen… It would be so cool! What would my theme song be? Music is a need for me. After listening to a song, I feel as though I must play the piano, dance, or sing.  Immediately.  It is a great desire. Sometimes I feel dumb because I’m not in the appropriate place to do so and it just eats at me.

Music is so important to  me in a sense of movement as well. I envision dances from my past and how the subtle motions were turned into an emotion screaming at the audience.  I wish to dance for those who’ve forgotten how to feel. For freedom. For sadness. For joy. For pain. To free inhibitions.  For art and love and feeling. Sometimes I visualize dances and songs that would play as I reach for my dreams, hopes, and desires.  Again, this may not make sense to you, but in my head I see beautiful motions of many dancers pouring their hearts out with choreography to the most melodious of songs.

Music is raw. It is beauty. It is pain. It is truth. It is love. It is art. It is transparent. It is a feeling, an emotion. It is inviting, enticing. It teaches. It listens. It plays on when you cannot.
I often wonder if anyone else out there feels the same way I do about music. 

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